From Cafe Pharma: Panic is Increasing Inside Pfizer

I found the following parody on Cafe Pharma, which is someone's fantasy about what may be going on over at my publisher, Soft Skull. It is so well researched and funny that I thought I should share it with you. I apologize for inappropriate words, but I didn't want to censor, since this is apparently how Pfizer people who don't like "The Whistleblower" speak. Just to give you a who's who in this dialogue:

Richard Eoin Nash: Publisher
Sarah Groff-Palermo: Managing Editor
Kristin Pulkkinen: Publicity Director

And here we go with the very long post (parody?) on Cafe Pharma:

Richard Eoin Nash:

[shouting into a speaker phone]
"No Dr Rost, for the last time, we will NOT issue a fucking press release on Pfizer's silly court behaviour. This may well be interesting in your little world, but no one gives a shit. These calls must stop."

Rost:

[sitting in a dark room in a soulless condo somewhere in Central NJ, shades are drawn, computer screen is flickering in the background, an old video of Hank McKinnell on CNBC is playing on the TV, reams of legal documents are strewn across the floor]

"But please, you must... I... I'm sorry about the calls -- I'm really not a lunatic. I'm a whistleblower, a hero, a REAL HERO... I really am...

...it's just...

...I...

[tears beginning to whell up in his eyes, voice cracking]

... this publicity is all I have. This book is all I have. You just have to help me get more media attention. Don't you want my book to succeed? You DID agree to publish it, didn't you? [tearful sorrow turns to rage] I won't just be IGNORED!"

Richard Eoin Nash:

[muttering to Sarah Groff-Palermo who is sitting across the desk]

"Shit this is ridiculous - why does he always have to cry. I know we're a boutique publisher, but do we really need to put up with this bullshit."

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

[hits the mute button]

"He's a fucking sleeze. I don't care if he cries and does the whole stalker thing. I'm sick of this constant bullshit regarding publicity. I KNEW we shouldn't have agreed to publish that piece of shit. This is your fault. You know as well as I do that every other publisher in America rejected this thing. Now he won't go away. You know he's crazy, right? You've seen the creepy pictures of Hank McKinnell and Jeff Kindler that he carries in his pocket? You know about the videos of Karen Katen, right"

Richard Eoin Nash:

"FUCK! How do I get myself into these situations!"

[hits the mute button, louder into the speaker phone]

"Peter, look, this is embarrassing for everyone. Calm down and get it together, would you? Yes, we agreed to print your "book", but this thing about the Pfizer lawyer just isn't very interesting to anyone except you and maybe three lonely bloggers..."

Rost:

"No! Fuck you! You can't do this to me. Do you know who I am? I'm a hero. A corporate whistleblower. I was on 60 Minutes. I have fans. They like me... they REALLY, REALLY like me. I had a big blog party, you know. I had friends there -- check it out, go ahead Richard, check it out right now."

[he tears up again and rips a tattered picture of Karen Katen off the wall]

Richard Eoin Nash:

[hits the mute button again, in the background Rost voice is still squawking through the speakerphone, alternating between pleading sorrow and anger]

"He won't stop calling and I have work to do. [now very agitated] God dammit this guy is a pain in my ass! What the fuck are we gonna do to make him go away?"

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

[big smile comes to her face, it appears she has a brilliant idea]

"Why don't we just dump this on Kristin?"

Richard Eoin Nash:

"Now that's an idea! She's never in the office anyway. But this can't be our release. I don't want to be associated with this idiocy."

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"Don't worry, I'll handle this"

[hits the mute button]

"Peter... PETER! Calm the fuck down. Here's what we'll do. You can send out a press release. Write whatever you want... promote your blog, promote your book, bash Pfizer, whatever. And you can put down Kristin Pulkkinen as the media contact. We'll pay to distribute the release on PR Newswire. That will save you, what, a thousand bucks?"

"In return, you have to PROMISE not to call us anymore"

"That means never"

Rost

[perking up]

"Um, OK... that sounds OK" [straightening out the old picture of Karen Katen, pops in another Hank McKinnell videotape]

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"Peter, do we have your word that this will be the last time you call us like this. We're doing you a big favor".

Rost

"Uh, umm... yes, of course, I'm sorry Sarah... it's just been so hard and Pfizer is such an evil company and Kindler, he's got people following me, and McKinnell, he's just a big jerk, and you know they should have offered me a position when they bought Pharmacia, you know they should have... but they didn't anticipate Peter Rost.... OH NO! [his rant grows louder and more vigorous] They didn't count on David trying to take on Goliath, now did they. Now who's crying and trying to make me go away, who? who? who? They will be sorry they fucked with Doctor PETER ROST!"

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"PETER! Shut the fuck up"

Rost

"uh, sorry"

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"Now we have a deal, right"

Rost:

"OK"

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"Ok, goodbye Peter..." [she hangs up the speakerphone]

Richard Eoin Nash:

"Kristin's going to kill us"

Sarah Groff-Palermo:

"Fuck Kristin -- she's never around anyway. Let's just hope this will get Rost to leave us alone. Richard, this is your fucking fault. From now on, I handle screening of new manuscripts, OK? So far you've really sucked as now we're caught up with this goddamn idiot... Pfizer this, Pfizer that, blah, blah, blah..."